10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid After Infidelity
The infidelity has been brought to light…
there are so many emotions: grief, anger, sadness, shame, disbelief, and hopelessness.
There are questions to be asked and decisions that need to be made.
Even if you are the most level-headed person, figuring out how to move forward (heck- how to even put one foot in front of the other) is confusing and seemingly impossible.
If you are at this point, I’m really glad you are reading this. My series of blog posts will share 10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity
10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid After Infidelity:
1. Asking the wrong questions
If you’re the betrayed partner, you may be reading this thinking, “I have every right to ask any question I want!”
I agree.
However, research has shown that some specific types of questions will cause more harm than good. They will keep you stuck, cause rumination, and increase the level of your trauma. Here’s my suggestion for the ground rules:
The betrayed partner can ask the unfaithful any question they want to ask.
One caveat: some topics tend to create intrusive thoughts in your mind.
If there’s been a sexual affair, then it’s probably not best to ask specific questions about the type of sex that they had.
The images that come into that person’s head tend to get much worse and more repetitive if they hear about the acts of sex… which tends to lead to more trauma.
Comparison questions tend to keep the betrayed struck rather than create greater healing
- Asking questions that help you understand the circumstances and your partner’s rationale is important. For example:
- Why did this happen?
- How long did the affair go on?
- What happened?
- Not for sure if a question is helpful towards healing? Write it down and wait for 24 hours before deciding to ask it.
- Or, talk with the therapist about whether the question is likely to be helpful or hurtful towards your recovery.
10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid After Infidelity:
2. Taking revenge.
If you are the betrayed partner, you are SO VERY HURT. The ground beneath you has fallen out from under you and your trust in all of humanity may have crumbled.
When this happens, the desire to take revenge is normal and a natural reaction.
However, acting on this impulse is a bad idea!
A lot of times the betrayed partner feels that the need to punish the unfaithful might be used as a tool to shape their behavior
- The thought process goes something like this:
- The unfaithful will suffer if I continue to punish them for what they did.
- Suffering will ‘teach’ them to remember not to do this again.
- We’re socialized with this idea that punishment by itself shapes behavior.
- However, if this were true then we wouldn’t have repeated offenders. Experiencing pain by itself is not going to make the unfaithful behave well.
- We’re socialized with this idea that punishment by itself shapes behavior.
It is important to understand what exactly happened, why it happened, and work to fix the individual, relationship issues, and the social environmental factors that have led to the infidelity.
- So, it might make the betrayed feel better at the moment but it’s misguided and will likely make things worse and not better.
- If the unfaithful is working hard on themselves and fixing the issues that led to infidelity, they will begin to lose hope, they lose optimism because they are still being punished.
- Losing hope and optimism about change in the future could set the unfaithful up for relapse and repeating the same behavior. They may start thinking, “If I’m going to be punished and punished and punished for a mistake that I did- despite my ability and effort to redeem myself and be a completely different person- why bother?”
- Even though it’s an understandable urge, it’s coming from a place of hurt and pain.
It is important to understand what exactly happened, why it happened, and work to fix the individual, relationship issues, and the social environmental factors that have led to the infidelity.
So, it might make the betrayed feel better in the moment but it’s misguided and will likely make things worse and not better.
If the unfaithful is working hard on themselves and fixing the issues that led to infidelity, they will begin to lose hope, they lose optimism because they are still being punished.
Losing hope and optimism about change in the future could set the unfaithful up for relapse and repeating the same behavior.
They may start thinking, “If I’m going to be punished and punished and punished for a mistake that I did- despite my ability and effort to redeem myself and be a completely different person- why bother?”
Even though it’s an understandable urge, it’s coming from a place of hurt and pain.
"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
-Confucius
Am I suggesting the unfaithful partner has no negative consequences?
Nope! Not at all!
To change the negative behavior, the unfaithful partner needs to be able to experience the natural negative consequences of what they did.
The unfaithful need to face the damage that they have caused by being unfaithful. The unfaithful should feel the guilt, shame, and pain related to their betrayal by looking back and realizing that the damage was caused by their actions.
It is essential that the unfaithful understands the betrayed partner and accepts responsibility without defensiveness.
To the unfaithful: know this will not be a one-and-done situation!!!
The betrayed won’t be able to hear you once and be all healed.
The betrayed are entitled to engage in this conversation 1000 times.
Processing, reprocessing, and asking the same questions over and over is a normal part of the healing process.
And it is part of the natural consequences of the choices you made.
10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid After Infidelity:
3. Lack of full disclosure
The unfaithful partner may be thinking: “I’m scared to share everything all at once! I want to be honest- but don’t think it’s helpful, to devastate my partner and share the information in one sitting.”
I get it.
However, it’s been found that leaking information over time is traumatizing.
It is important to share all the information when the betrayed is ready to hear it.
It should be on their timeline… not yours.
- Deception is what destroys trust. Nearly all betrayed spouses say that the affair is not as hard to get over as lying.
- Hiding information or omitting facts (which is lying) about the affair hurts your partner more because the betrayal wounds reopen.
- Don’t lie regardless of how tempting it is (even if your motivation is not to hurt the person).
- Don’t tell the person what they want to hear. Show up authentically and own your truth. Today is the day to rebuild your own self (and your relationship) on solid ground.
- Reestablish trust only occurs with transparency and honesty.
- Secrets prolong the misery.
- Secrets breed shame.
#4 of 10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid After Infidelity...
Stay tuned for #4-7 on the next blog post in this series on Marriage reconciliation/Affair recovery!
Until then, know that what you are going through is one of the most challenging experiences a relationship goes through.
Hanging in there. These feelings won’t last forever… even though they feel like they will.
Are you ready to give therapy a go?
Free free to contact me directly if you have questions or to schedule a brief call to see if I might be able to support you as you journey forward.
Jill
Looking for mental health services in Indy?
As a marriage and family therapist, I also offer:
Relationship Counseling
Individual Counseling