12 Traits of a Narcissist:Patterns to Notice and What to Do

Narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder are different

Narcissistic traits can include exaggerated self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, entitlement, and difficulty considering other people’s feelings. Having some traits does not automatically mean someone has narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD.

NPD is a clinical diagnosis involving an enduring pattern and significant problems in functioning. A qualified clinician evaluates the person’s history, relationships, symptoms, and other possible explanations. The DSM-5-TR framework includes nine criteria, with at least five required alongside the broader diagnostic requirements. The twelve items below are not a scoring system. Clinical diagnostic overview.

Your group chat cannot issue a diagnosis. Neither can this blog.

What you can notice is whether there is room in the relationship for your needs, your perspective, and your right to make choices.

12 traits of a narcissist: patterns you may notice

The first nine descriptions correspond broadly to recognized narcissistic features. The final three describe additional relationship patterns that are less specific and can have many explanations. All examples are illustrations, not tests.

1. 01

   An inflated view of their own importance

   They may describe their abilities or contributions as far greater than the evidence supports. A shared accomplishment becomes their personal triumph.

   For example, five people finish a project, but the story afterward has only one main character. Notice whether others’ contributions can be acknowledged.

2. 02

   An excessive need for admiration

   Appreciation may seem to require constant replenishment. A conversation about your day becomes another opportunity to reassure them that they are exceptional.

   Wanting encouragement is ordinary. The concern is how much room the need for praise leaves for anyone else.

3. 03

   Expectations of special treatment

   Their preferences may repeatedly outrank shared agreements. They expect exceptions while holding everyone else to the rules.

   For example: their schedule is untouchable, while yours is apparently made of modeling clay. Look at whether flexibility actually goes both ways.

4. 04

   Difficulty recognizing or responding to your feelings

   When you explain that something hurt, they may dismiss its impact or redirect attention to their own discomfort.

   The practical question is whether your experience can influence what happens next. Empathy involves more than being able to repeat the words “I understand.”

5. 05

   Using other people to meet their goals

   Your time, work, money, or connections may be treated as resources they are entitled to use, with little consideration of the cost to you.

   For example, they volunteer your help without asking and then act inconvenienced when you have your own plans.

6. 06

   Preoccupation with an exceptional life or ideal relationship

   They may be absorbed in visions of extraordinary success, influence, beauty, or perfect love.

   In a relationship, ordinary human needs may clash with the expectation that everything should feel impressive and effortless. A partner is a person, complete with laundry and inconvenient feelings.

7. 07

   Treating status as a measure of someone’s worth

   They may believe that only especially important or high-status people can understand them.

   Notice whether curiosity about someone changes dramatically after learning their title, income, or connections. You do not have to endorse that ranking system.

8. 08

   Turning other people’s success into a competition

   Envy may show up as minimizing someone else’s accomplishment or assuming others are jealous of them.

   You share good news, and the response becomes a comparison. There is little space to simply be pleased for you.

9. 09

   A pattern of condescension or superiority

   They may repeatedly talk down to people or treat them with contempt.

   An example might be a joke at your expense that continues after you explain that it hurts. Consider the response to your concern, alongside the original remark.

10. 10Additional pattern

    Strong reactions to criticism or disappointment

    Even fairly gentle feedback may bring anger, withdrawal, or intense defensiveness. Sensitivity to criticism can occur with NPD, but also has other explanations. Mayo Clinic.

    For you, the question may be: “Can I raise a concern without spending the rest of the evening managing the reaction?”

11. 11Additional pattern

    Difficulty taking responsibility and repairing harm

    You may notice repeated explanations for why the hurtful behavior was really your fault. An apology leaves the original issue untouched.

    “I should not have said that. Here is what I will do differently” gives you something concrete to evaluate. Repeated blame-shifting deserves attention, whatever its cause.

12. 12Additional pattern

    Little room for mutual needs or limits

    One person’s preferences may organize the entire relationship. Your request for time, privacy, or a different plan repeatedly becomes something you must defend.

    Ask yourself whether you can have an independent opinion and still be treated respectfully. This is a relationship question, not a diagnostic shortcut.

Clinical background: Merck Manual, Mayo Clinic, and Cleveland Clinic. Examples illustrate possibilities; they are not diagnostic tests.

Look at the pattern, the impact, and the repair

Give yourself something more useful than another late-night search. Start with four questions about your actual experience.

You might move from “They are a narcissist” to “When I raise a concern, they insult me, and the original issue never gets addressed.”

That description gives you something clearer to work with. You can discuss it in therapy without needing to win a debate about a label. You can also read about describing hurt without shaming labels.

These are reflection tools, not validated assessments. You do not need a long history before taking a threat or other serious incident seriously.

Narcissism, gaslighting, and abuse are not interchangeable

A person can behave abusively without having NPD. Having a mental health diagnosis does not automatically mean someone is abusive, and a diagnosis does not excuse abuse. National Domestic Violence Hotline: narcissism and abuse.

Gaslighting involves a pattern that undermines someone’s confidence in their perceptions or memory. It may include repeated denial, distortion, or attacks on their ability to understand what is happening. A disagreement or a sincerely different recollection is not enough to establish it. National Domestic Violence Hotline: gaslighting.

If someone monitors your movements, controls access to money, isolates you, threatens you, or pressures you sexually, the priority is getting appropriate support. Sorting out their diagnosis can wait.

Read more about understanding gaslighting.

Can someone with narcissistic traits change?

Change is possible. Psychotherapy can address relationship difficulties, emotional regulation, self-esteem, and responsibility for behavior. Mayo Clinic: treatment.

A 2024 case series described eight people with NPD who improved during longer-term treatment. However, the researchers selected people who had improved and evaluated their progress retrospectively. That shows improvement can happen; it does not tell us how likely it is for any particular person, or establish that treatment alone caused the changes. Weinberg and colleagues, 2024.

You can care about someone’s capacity to grow while making decisions based on how the relationship is affecting you now. Their potential does not create an obligation for you to remain in harm’s way.

Should you try individual therapy or couples counseling?

When there is ongoing abuse, coercive control, or fear of retaliation, seek individual safety-focused support first. The National Domestic Violence Hotline advises against couples counseling with an abusive partner because disclosures can be used against the person experiencing abuse. Hotline guidance on couples therapy.

For relationships where joint work is appropriate, you can learn about couples counseling in Indianapolis.

A few questions you might still have