High Thrive Counseling · Relationships
5 Love Languages Exercises: 51 Ways to Feel More Connected
Small, thoughtful ways to show care—and a little help figuring out whether that care is actually landing.
You remembered the coffee. You handled dinner. You even watched the documentary about a topic you have never voluntarily thought about. And somehow, your partner still feels disconnected.
That can be frustrating. It is also a reason to get curious about what each of you needs and what your efforts mean to the other person.
These 5 love languages exercises give you 51 ways to start that conversation: specific words, shared time, practical support, thoughtful gifts, and mutually wanted touch. Choose one or two. Your relationship does not need a 51-item homework assignment tonight.
As a couples and sex therapist in Indianapolis, I like exercises that lead to a useful conversation and a doable next step. Here is how to make this familiar framework more flexible, practical, and respectful.
A little context before the exercises
What are the five love languages—and what does the research say?
Gary Chapman’s framework groups expressions of love into five familiar categories: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch. The labels can give you vocabulary for a conversation about care.
A 2024 research review found weak support for the claims that everyone has one primary language, that there are exactly five, or that matching a preferred language is the key to relationship satisfaction.
The findings are not all identical. A 2022 study of 100 heterosexual couples found associations between meeting preferences and satisfaction; its correlational design cannot establish that matching caused improvement. A 2025 study series found that models with seven to ten dimensions fit responses better than five. That does not establish a new universal number.
Your connection menu
Start with what would feel helpful this week.
Each of you choose an action you would enjoy receiving. Discuss whether it feels comfortable and realistic for the other person. Agree on a small experiment, then ask how it went.
“What would help you feel cared for this week?”
“What works for both of us?”
“Did that feel good? What would you change?”
Participation is optional. Either person can decline, adapt an idea, or change their mind.
Ideas 1–10
Make your appreciation specific.
Words of affirmation exercises
Kind words can mean more when your partner knows exactly what you noticed. You do not have to sound like a greeting card that has recently discovered poetry. Sound like yourself.
- Try the appreciation recipe.
Each person names one real action, the quality it showed, and why it mattered. For example: “You checked in before my appointment. That felt thoughtful, and I felt less alone.” Take turns receiving the appreciation without correcting it.
- Send a specific thank-you text.
Mention something from today: “Thanks for handling the school email. That took one thing off my plate.”
- Notice a quality beyond appearance.
Tell your partner about their patience, creativity, courage, humor, or persistence, with an example.
- Leave a tiny note.
Put a sentence somewhere they will find it. The coffee maker is a perfectly respectable delivery system.
- Ask which encouragement helps.
Offer choices: “Do you want reassurance, a pep talk, or someone to acknowledge that this is hard?”
- Celebrate an effort.
Name something they worked at, even if the outcome disappointed them. Ask how they feel about it before launching your pep rally.
- Share a favorite memory.
Describe one moment when you felt close and what made it meaningful to you.
- Record a short voice message.
If they like voice notes, send a warm thought they can replay during a demanding day.
- Give a compliment in their preferred setting.
Ask whether public appreciation feels lovely or mortifying. Both answers are useful.
- Practice receiving kind words.
Try “Thank you; that means a lot.” If the compliment misses the mark, explain gently what would feel more personal.
An appreciation you can actually use
Give the compliment a little detail.
“You remembered my presentation. I felt supported. It helped knowing you were thinking of me.”
Ideas 11–20
Give each other a little room to land.
Quality time exercises
Quality time can be brief, inexpensive, and wonderfully ordinary. Decide together what attention feels like. Eye contact is optional; a walk or sitting side by side may feel more comfortable.
- Have a ten-minute check-in.
Agree on a time. Each person gets a few minutes to share a high, a hard thing, and something they need. The listener reflects what they heard and asks whether comfort or brainstorming would help.
- Share a phone-free drink.
Set aside distractions for a mutually agreed stretch of time, while allowing for caregiving or accessibility needs.
- Take a curious walk.
Ask one question you do not already know the answer to. Adapt this to a drive or a seated conversation if that suits your bodies.
- Put a small date on the calendar.
Choose the time, budget, and planning responsibilities together. A fancy reservation is optional.
- Try a low-stakes new activity.
Pick a recipe, puzzle, craft, or game. Choose something where being terrible at it is allowed.
- Revisit something you used to enjoy.
Play an old favorite song or look through a few photos. Ask what you miss and what still fits.
- Make a shared viewing plan.
Choose a show together, then talk about a scene afterward. Check that watching together actually feels connecting to both of you.
- Create a gentle reunion.
Ask whether your partner prefers a hello right away or a little decompression time before reconnecting.
- Plan a distance-friendly date.
For time apart, agree on a call, shared playlist, or online game that works with both schedules.
- Protect a realistic connection window.
Choose one repeatable time this week. If plans change, offer a new time instead of leaving the invitation floating.
Ideas 21–30
Share the responsibility, including the remembering.
Acts of service exercises
Practical care can feel very loving. Also: living in a home comes with shared responsibilities. Taking out the trash does not create a romantic debt. Discuss fairness alongside affection.
- Own one task from beginning to end.
Together, pick a responsibility and agree on what “done” means and when it is needed. The person taking it on handles noticing, planning, doing, and following up. Check whether the arrangement actually reduced the other person’s load.
- Name the invisible work.
Each write down tasks you notice, plan, schedule, or remind someone about. Compare lists with curiosity and choose one responsibility to redistribute.
- Trade a dreaded chore.
Each name a task you dislike. Make a swap you both consider fair and manageable.
- Plan a meal all the way through.
Include deciding, checking supplies, preparing or ordering, and cleaning up within your agreed budget.
- Take over a pet-care shift.
Agree on the feeding, walk, supplies, or appointment details so the other person can truly step away.
- Make a follow-through plan.
For a commitment you keep forgetting, choose your own reminder or calendar cue and agree on a realistic deadline.
- Offer two concrete kinds of help.
Try “I can pick up groceries or handle dinner. Would either help?” Leave room for a different answer.
- Prepare for a demanding day.
Ask what would ease an upcoming work deadline, appointment, or family commitment, and agree on one action.
- Protect a rest break.
Arrange coverage for an agreed responsibility so your partner can rest. Discuss when each of you gets protected time.
- Review the arrangement.
After a week, ask “Did this actually help? What still needed your attention?” Adjust the task or timing together.
Sharing the mental load
What does owning a task include?
Track what is needed, when it is needed, and what supplies or decisions it requires.
Carry out the agreed task, including the cleanup or final step.
Check that it is complete and manage your own reminders for next time.
Ideas 31–40
Let a small gesture say, “I was paying attention.”
Thoughtful gifts exercises
A gift can carry meaning because it reflects something you know about your partner. Agree on spending limits and ask whether surprises are welcome. Some people love a surprise. Some would prefer a tracking number.
- Make a “thinking of you” list.
Each share three small things that would feel thoughtful, including a free option. Choose one your partner welcomes and tell them what made you think of them. Afterwards, ask what felt meaningful about it.
- Bring a favorite snack.
Remember preferences, allergies, and whether they actually want food gifts.
- Make a short playlist.
Choose a few songs and add a sentence about why each one belongs.
- Print a meaningful photo.
Pick a shared memory your partner enjoys and write the date or a little note on the back.
- Give a library-book surprise.
With their permission, find a book on a topic they love. Borrowing can be every bit as thoughtful as buying.
- Create a memory envelope.
Collect a few notes about moments you appreciated. Keep it personal and manageable.
- Choose something useful they mentioned.
Check before replacing a favorite item or buying something that takes up space.
- Celebrate a quiet milestone.
Acknowledge finishing a hard project, trying something brave, or getting through a demanding week.
- Plan a modest shared experience.
Offer a picnic, home movie night, or another activity within your agreed budget and interests.
- Talk about special occasions.
Ask which dates matter and what acknowledgment feels good. Put your own reminders in your own calendar.
Ideas 41–50
Make room for a real yes, a real no, and a change of mind.
Physical touch exercises
Touch can include holding hands, a hug, or sitting close. Preferences vary with context, pain, sensory needs, history, and mood. A preference for touch never creates an obligation for someone else.
- Have a touch-preference conversation.
Separately list touch you might enjoy, touch you want someone to ask about, and touch you do not want. Compare only what you feel comfortable sharing. If you both want to try something, agree on one option and an easy way to stop. The list is a conversation starter; it is not advance consent.
- Offer a hug with an easy out.
Ask “Would a hug feel good?” If the answer is yes, let either person end it whenever they want.
- Invite hand-holding.
Offer your hand or ask. Accept a decline warmly and continue enjoying the time together.
- Plan a no-escalation cuddle.
If mutually wanted, agree that the cuddle will stay a cuddle. Neither person owes the other anything afterward.
- Ask before a shoulder rub.
Check whether touch is welcome, where it feels comfortable, and what pressure works. Stop at any sign of discomfort.
- Explore comfortable closeness.
Ask whether sitting near each other, feet touching, or having more space feels best today.
- Choose a greeting together.
A wave, smile, brief kiss, or hug can all be options. Revisit the plan instead of assuming it always applies.
- Use a simple comfort check.
During welcomed touch, ask “More, less, different, or done?” Make every answer acceptable.
- Connect without touch when preferred.
Try sitting nearby, listening to music, or sharing a kind sentence. Respect the answer without bargaining.
- Talk about what felt comfortable.
Later, ask “Was there anything you liked or want changed?” Receive feedback without making your partner manage your disappointment.
An invitation that leaves room for choice
“Would touch feel good right now?”
Agree on what feels good. Keep checking comfort.
Slow down and ask what the person wants. Uncertainty is not a yes.
Accept the answer. Stop without persuasion, guilt, or punishment.
A yes to one kind of touch applies only to that touch. Either person can change their mind.
Exercise 51 · The weekly check-in
Keep what helps. Adjust what doesn’t.
Set aside about ten minutes at a time you both agree to. Take turns answering these four prompts. Let each person finish, and aim for understanding before planning your response.
“Something you did that helped me feel close was…”
“An effort I made was… How did that feel to you?”
“This week, one specific thing I would appreciate is…”
“What can we realistically agree to, and when will we check back?”
If you disagree about whether something was helpful, try: “I meant it as care, and I want to understand how it landed.” Intent and impact both belong in the conversation.
If the discussion becomes heated, pause and agree on a time to revisit it when you can both participate constructively. You can bring the stuck point to a therapist, too.
What if we have different love languages?
Different preferences give you something to discuss. They do not, by themselves, tell you whether the relationship will work.
Get more specific than the label. “I need quality time” could mean a quiet walk, a lively night out, or ten minutes of being listened to. “I need touch” could mean a hug at the door or a conversation about feeling sexually disconnected. Those are different requests, with different considerations.
The broad request
“You need to speak my love language.”
A request you can discuss
“Could we sit together for ten minutes after dinner on Tuesday? I’d like to tell you about my week.”
You can appreciate your partner’s effort and still ask for something different. You can also decline a request and offer another way to connect. The goal is a plan both people can willingly participate in.
When connection exercises need more support
Sometimes the problem goes deeper than choosing a thoughtful gesture. You may be dealing with ongoing resentment, broken trust, pressure around sex, repeated dismissiveness, or the same argument on a very exhausting loop.
In that situation, the conversation needs room for what has happened, who is responsible for what, and what change would actually look like. A pleasant date cannot settle a concern you are never allowed to raise.
If you are afraid of your partner’s reaction, experiencing threats, coercion, or violence, prioritize confidential individual support and safety planning. Joint exercises may be unsafe when a partner uses what you share against you. Abuse is never caused by failing to express enough love.
Support at High Thrive
Couples counseling in Indianapolis and online in Indiana & Florida
If you are trying to reconnect and keep getting stuck, I can help you look at the pattern underneath the disagreement and practice a different response.
High Thrive Counseling offers couples counseling in Indianapolis, with an office in Broad Ripple for people coming from Indianapolis, Carmel, Fishers, Zionsville, Brownsburg, and surrounding communities. I also offer online therapy for clients located in Indiana and Florida.
Depending on what you need, we can talk about one hour sessions or a couples therapy intensive. For engaged couples, premarital counseling makes room for conversations about expectations, responsibilities, intimacy, and life together.
You can start with one clear request this week. And if making that request already feels complicated, that is something we can work on together.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultationA few common questions
Love languages exercises: FAQs
What are the five love languages?
Gary Chapman’s five categories are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch. You can use them as prompts for discussing care, while making room for needs beyond these categories.
Are the five love languages scientifically proven?
The framework has limited and mixed empirical support. It should not be presented as a proven personality classification or a reliable test of relationship compatibility. The research linked above explains those limitations.
What is a simple love languages exercise to start with?
Ask each other, “What is one small thing that would help you feel cared for this week?” Make the request specific, agree on what feels doable, and check back afterward. You can also start with one sincere appreciation.
Do we need to take a love languages quiz?
No. You can begin by discussing examples from your own lives. If you enjoy quizzes, the official love languages quiz can be a conversation prompt. Treat the result as something to explore rather than a fixed identity or clinical assessment.
Does physical touch mean sex?
It can refer to many kinds of touch, including holding hands or hugging. Wanting touch never entitles someone to sexual activity or other physical contact. Consent must be voluntary and specific, and either person can change their mind.
What if my partner does not want to do the exercises?
Ask whether the format, timing, or a particular activity feels uncomfortable. Offer one smaller option and accept their answer. If you repeatedly cannot discuss your needs, individual support can help you decide what you want to do next.
Can these exercises replace couples therapy?
They are general practice ideas. They do not assess or treat the full range of relationship difficulties. Persistent conflict, trust concerns, sexual pressure, or fear deserve a more individualized conversation about appropriate support.
About the author
Hi, I’m Jill.
I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist at High Thrive Counseling. I help adults and couples with relationship distress, intimacy, infidelity, and the patterns that keep getting in the way of connection.
I’m warm, direct, curious, and very interested in what you can actually do with the conversation once you leave my office.
Research & further reading
- Impett, E. A., Park, H. G., & Muise, A. (2024). Review of the evidence behind love languages. Current Directions in Psychological Science.
- Mostova, O., Stolarski, M., & Matthews, G. (2022). Study of love-language preferences and relationship satisfaction. PLOS ONE, 17(6), e0269429.
- Flicker, S. M., et al. (2025). Study examining how many dimensions of loving behavior fit participants’ responses. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 51(4), e70072.
General relationship education; these exercises are not individualized therapy.
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