For example, it is vital to have a word to indicate if something is poisonous.
Without the word “poison” we wouldn’t be able to communicate to others whether or not a mushroom is safe to eat or a snake is deadly.
As Sebastian Junger clearly articulates in his best-selling book, “Tribe,” humans have a biological instinct to belong to groups.
Throughout human history, there have always been in-groups and out-groups.
These groups have been called different names throughout human history- here are some variations on a theme:
Regardless of the group name, we humans always create small groups that are organized by categorical qualities.
However, it is important to consider if our instincts to label things is helpful and protective or if labeling things is based in fear.
Labeling is helpful and protective when it is used to create healthy boundaries.
For example, when another person tries to force their label on you, saying the phrases below are examples of healthy responses:
Labeling is not helpful when we apply negative labels to a whole person.
Categorizing people or whole groups has the potential to make them feel small and can be shaming.
I’ll be examining the concept of label shaming and share why label shaming is so toxic.
There has been a great deal of research on label shaming. Interestingly, most of the research has been in the field of criminology.
Here is what we know:
Criminology researchers generally agree that applying a negative label to the whole of a person is stigmatizing.
I thought it might be helpful to define ‘stigma.’
If stigmatizing a person was effective, it would be lovely because labeling someone a:
Batterer
Abuser
Narcissist
Gaslighter
Toxic Parter
feels good to the wronged party and is an easy thing to do.
I sincerely wish giving someone a label would correct the wrongdoer’s behavior.
It would both feel good to the offended party while also changing the wrongdoer’s bad behavior.
This finding- on its face- seems ridiculous.
However, if you think about it for a moment, it makes sense.
Let’s say someone calls you a narcissist.
Would you wholeheartedly accept that label?
Probably not!
Defensiveness is a completely natural (and universal) reaction to a slight…
The label is the wrongdoer’s identity.
Unfortunately, defensiveness is the arch-enemy of a healthy family, friends, and work relationships.
Criminology researchers have found there is a type of shaming that is effective.
It is called reintegrative shaming.
Importantly, research on this subject indicates that societies that are forgiving and respectful while also taking the crime seriously and holding the wrongdoer accountable have lower crime rates than stigmatizing societies.
Stigmatizing labels have the potential to hijack a person’s entire identity.
If your identity is defined by the worst things you have ever done, it would be hard to accept… and could destroy whatever remnants of self-worth you have left.
Every person is better, larger, and more complex than the worst things they have ever done.
Let’s say someone calls you a narcissist.
And your comeback is:
“I can’t help it.”
“As a child, I grew up in a household where I was belittled, humiliated, and rejected. Now, as an adult, I can’t help that I can’t take criticism.”
These excuses invite you, an adult, to avoid the responsibility for the harmful consequences of your decisions and actions.
In other words, label shaming can give an adult wrongdoer an “out” for their poor choices.
After all, if they lack the will or choice to have made different choices, the wrongdoer loses the ability to be truly accountable for their poor behavior and choices.
If label shaming is toxic, what are you to do when you’re the offended party?
It is holding the wrongdoer accountable while also giving grace.
In my next blog I’ll take a deep dive into this topic and weave together the importance of having grace while also holding the wrongdoer accountable.
In the meantime, are you ready to give therapy a go?
Free free to contact me directly if you have questions or to schedule a brief call to see if I might be able to support you as you journey forward.
Jill
As a marriage and family therapist, I also offer:
Relationship Counseling
Individual Counseling